Around The Bend

In less than 24 hours, Brad and I should know what the future holds. We jokingly tell people that our life is dictated by doctor appointments. We live from one appointment to the next. Well, this period is almost over. As we have many times before, we will anxiously await the doctor telling us what our next stage will look like. Normally, I have some expectations around the appointment – more scans, holes in Brad’s head, blood work and waiting.

Tomorrow, I have no expectations even though I have desperately tried. I have played every feasible scenario out in my head, but none resonate with me. None, actually feel like our life. As much as I try, it seems like a silly day dream. One that has taken a turn from the independently wealthy scenario into the “what if” world.

The problem is that I don’t even have a solid “what if”! Do you know how hard it is to Google, brain lesion/tumor/inflammation/mass affected by steroids not ___, _____ or ______ with characteristics and defined through scans as _____, ______ and ________. You literally read the weirdest articles that give no direction.

In my attempt to get some control, I read all 99 medical reports which have gotten me into a tailspin and a medical degree through WebMD.

For the first time in my life, I have no expectation or fake control over what comes next for us. I have to scoot over and give the wheel to God. I have to trust that while I can’t see what is around the next bend, He knows and has planned our trip every step of the way…snacks included! While I know this, it is still hard as I thumb through Brad’s medical record one more time. Maybe, they missed something that I a non-medical person can find. 😉

It is an awe-inspiring and oh so terrifying experience to not be able to plan or imagine your life after 11:20 am on Wednesday, January 4th. Tomorrow might be painted with the greatest relief and joy yet, or the gut-wrenching truth of this is the hard road ahead. No amount of worry, Googling or using my WebMD degree will change the words that come out of the doctor’s mouth.

For today, my intention is simple.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6

Tomorrow, God will share the path that he has chosen for Brad and I. One that we have patiently waited 96 days to be revealed. I pray for grace, acceptance and the ability to let him lead.