Brad’s snoring use to drive me nuts. So much that I would make jokes about smothering him with our beloved kitten. Now it is a comfort to know one of use is truly asleep. For the past month, our nights have started with pure exhaustion taking over and a wake-up call at an ungodly hour. We have found a sense of norm in our new hours, and taking turns on who is up half the night. I jokingly tell people it is good practice for a newborn baby when the time comes.
Tonight is my night watch, and for me, once you are up, you are up. Not sure if you ever were really asleep and overwhelmed with your heavy thoughts through the wait of what is next. After all, there aren’t many distractions in the middle of the night. A rare car is passing by the house, the creaking of an old house, a leaky toilet and kitten purring as you try to soothe both of you back to sleep. After two hours of sleep eluding you, you have two options. 1) Cry from exhausting and hope, pray, bargain and plea to go back to bed or 2) get up and distract yourself.
Tonight is a get-up night. A night where I will work, watch tv, play with the cat and pray that God gives us the grace for one more day. By the time sun rises and most people groggily roll out of bed, I will be up for fourish hours and having my second cup of coffee. My makeup will be caked on to hide the bags under my eyes. My caffeine fix will continue throughout the day in the hopes of seeming normal and like a real human who can juggle it all. And by juggle it all, I mean function at the most basic level.
When the sun rises so do my worries. We made it through one more day of the wait. As Brad has shared the wait is the worst part of all of this. Honestly, probably the only part that we can’t find joy in. We can laugh through all the symptoms such as not being able to cook dinner because the instructions couldn’t be read or seemingly insensitive jokes, “I need this like I need another hole in my head.” Yes, we do have a sick sense of humor. We can find an overwhelming sense of appreciation and happiness in our faith, friends and family. We truly have cried more tears of joy in the past month than ever in our life. Brad and I have been blessed and guided/support by our faith and community every step of the way. We know that whatever is next, we are ready to take it on with the help of God, family and friends. Until then, we will continue to distract ourselves and be thankful for the rising sun and being one step closer to what is next. Because no matter what the doctor says, no matter how terrifying the words are that you hear, it is not a world you created for yourself when sleep can’t be found. It is the truth and your reality that can be digested quickly to build your new norm.