Dear God

Dear God

We met D nearly four months ago as she boldly announced herself at a concert. Like many times after, she rudely inserted herself at the most inconvenient times. She found her way into moments, when I was hours away for work, trying to take a night for myself, enjoying the holidays, meeting a tight deadline for work and oh so much more. D has successfully found ways to squeeze into every aspect of life and sometimes against my many attempts to keep her at bay, she win my attention, energy and causes overwhelming fear and what feels like a hollow out of reach future.

When the weight of D comes washing over me, I have to take a deep breath, shove D back where she belongs and keep repeating…. All in God’s time and in His plan.

To every [thing there is] a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. – Ecclesiastes 3:1

While I chant my mantra incessantly, the overwhelming waves of D have become more frequent. For a few moments every day, I am overtaken by it all and lash out. Once, I calm myself down; I turn my attention back to God – All in His time and in His plan.

On a particularly long day with D was rearing her ugly head – Brad with headaches and me with exhaustion and fear, I had a conversation that went something like this.

Dear God,

Did you know that we are on 100 plus days since starting this journey? And while I know this time frame is nothing for you, it is a long time for me. You realize that I live in the era of Amazon Prime, right? I mean even here in St. Louis, I can get anything in two days. We are considered archaic compared to the main cities that could get that same item in mere hours.

Here we are 100 plus days just trying to name D properly. Don’t get me wrong; I am overjoyed at the path you have chosen. I am humbled by your grace and power. I am astonished to read the word tumor on every document and know by your abilities; you changed our path.

But God, I am woefully human. I am impatient, and I need your grace. I need you to carry us through this next wait. I need you to help me find the line between your timing, plan and my own human efforts needed to push Brad’s care forward. I need you to heal my husband and show me the path for us.

Just as a reminder, you did create the universe in 6 days. Could you speed this up?

Your impatient child, Nicki

We meet the next doctor in 10 days. It will be 129 days since we first started this journey, and I speak for both Brad and me when I say we are getting tired. We are weakened by not knowing what comes next, or the time it takes to get answers and heal Brad.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly, therefore, will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  – 2 Corinthians 12:9

While the body and mind might be weary from the long journey, our spirits, laughter, love and faith is strong. Every day is a gift. We all carry around our own personal versions of D, but we must not forget that today is a gift. A gift that we should treasure! It is ok to let the weight of it all wash over you from time to time, but pick yourself back up and say, “In His time and in His will.”
In His time and in His will, Brad will be healed, our burden lessened and ideally sleep restored. 

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